Fair Game
by apicturewithasmile
Summary: An alternate endling of episode 5x07 "The Life and Death of Jeremy Bentham" - Ben saves John from committing suicide and does *not* kill him five seconds later. John's confused and needs Ben to stay with him. / Slashy fluff. / Inspired by dat Sia song.


Disclaimer: I neither own Lost nor the Sia song. If I did, I wouldn't spend my time writing slashy fanfiction. I'd be chilling by my pool drinking cocktails.

* * *

 _You terrify me, we've still not kissed and yet I've cried  
You got too close and I pushed and pushed hoping you'd bite  
So I could run, run and that I did but through the dust  
You saw those teeth marks, they weren't all yours you had been thrust  
Into a history, that had not worked for me  
Into a history, from which I could not flee  
So go on shake me, shake until I give it up  
Wearing me down baby, I know that we could make some love_

"Please, John. Come on." Ben cautiously reached out for John's hand, hoping he'd take it, praying there'd still be a glimpse of hope in this broken man's soul. "Come down." And John did so. Slowly, limited by the cast on his leg. He buried his face in his hands, trying to hide his tears.

"I know we can do this, John." Ben said gently, trying to comfort John as best as he could.

"Thank you." John said under his breath.

"You're welcome." A soft touch on John's arm that lasted just a fraction of a second – it was enough to put Ben on edge. But now was not the time to succumb to emotions as immature as nervousness.

"Come on. Let's go." Ben said, wrapping his left arm around John to support the weight of his body. "I know we can do this." He motioned towards the bed and led John over there so he could rest. John wasn't as agile as Ben knew him to be like on the island. It was weird seeing him so dependent on someone else's help. "Once we get them all in the same place… I don't know where we'll go from there but we'll figure something out."

John sat down on the edge of his bed and didn't dare to look into Ben's eyes even though he felt them lingering on him. He was too embarrassed and ashamed because Ben had seen him in his most vulnerable moment. Ben knelt down in front of John, trying to lock eyes with him but John kept escaping his gaze.

"I know I'm the very last person you want anywhere near you right now, but I swear, I'm here to help." Ben said, fighting the urge to wipe a tear from John's cheek.

"I'm confused, Ben." John said and finally looked at Ben. "But I want to believe you."

Ben didn't know how to respond. A part of him wanted to tell John that he can trust him but he didn't want to push it, didn't want to seem like trying too hard.

John took a deep breath and swallowed the lump that was still stuck in his throat. "I'm so _tired_." he whispered.

Ben nodded gently and pulled the blanket to one side so John could slip underneath it. "Then you should get some sleep. There's enough time tomorrow to think of a plan." Ben said, while carefully rearranging the blanket over John's legs so they'd be fully covered.

"Did you eat something today?" Ben asked, forcing himself create some distance between him and John. "I could go out and-"

"No don't leave!" John interrupted. "Please. I cannot be alone." John said with a coarse voice and embarrassment. Ben knew that it cost John a lot of effort to admit he needed help.

Ben was quiet for a moment because he would have never expected John actually wanted his presence and because he didn't have any experience on how to behave in this situation. But he couldn't let John sense his insecurity so he walked to the other side of the room to get a chair.

"I'll stay here till you fall asleep, alright?"

"Can't you just stay all night?"

Mid-movement, the chair still in his hand, Ben was paralysed by what he thought John just implied.

"This bed is big enough for both of us." John added, making it sound like Ben was the one who was being childish when actually John himself was nervous at the thought of sharing a bed with not just anyone – but Ben.

Awkwardly and with hesitation Ben put the pillow and blanket back on the bed. He sat down at the edge of it so his back was turned at John. Ben's lips formed John's name but it took him a few moments to realise that his vocal chords were failing him, so he tried again. "John, promise you won't ever try to kill yourself again." It was only when he felt John's touch on his shoulder that he turned to face him.

"I'll try my best." John said and for the first time this night Ben saw a glimpse of _the_ John Locke that he got to know so well, on an island that never seemed more irrelevant than in this moment. This man he was so fascinated with and at the same time so jealous of. The man who could have everything Ben never had. He who'd always be a better man than Ben could even fathom.

Ben's big eyes glistened in the moonlight that was shining though the small dirty windows of the hotel room, as he tried to make sense of how he ended up in this situation. Then he finally took the courage to lie down next to John. "Good night." he said almost soundless. "If you feel sad tonight, wake me up!"

John's reply was a smile – the first smile Ben had seen on the other man's face since he stumbled into this room about half an hour ago. Ben didn't dare to imagine what would have happened if he had come here only a minute too late. He tried to ban this thought from his mind but it kept creeping up and it would do so for a long time.

It took a long time for John to fall asleep and Ben didn't allow himself to close his eyes before John was safe and sound in the land of dreams. He had the urge to watch him all night, make sure he didn't wake up or have nightmares but eventually Ben drifted off, too.

 _****  
_ _And I've never played a fair game  
I've always had the upper hand  
But what good is intellect and nerve if  
I can't respect any man  
Oh, I want to play a fair game_

It took a while until Ben realised that the reason his left side felt so cold was because John wasn't there. He rubbed his eyes and looked at the alarm clock on John's side of the bed. The bright red numbers hurt his eyes. He squinted until the red blur formed a clear image. 3:42 am.

"John?" Ben said his name quietly at first, then repeated it, louder. When he heard no reply he jumped up from the bed. He was convinced John had gone outside to finish what he had interrupted, that he'd jump in front of a bus or from a motorway bridge.

Just as Ben's shaking hands managed to put his shoes on he heard the door open behind him. He turned around so quickly it made him a little dizzy but he felt better instantly when he saw John's silhouette in the door frame.

"Where have you been?" Ben said with more of a reproachful tone than intended.

"I was just catching some fresh air." John said, leaning on his crutches.

"You scared the living hell out of me." Ben buried his face in his hands and tried to calm down; he couldn't let John know just how _much_ he cares.

John walked over to the bed as quickly as he could with one broken leg and put his hand on Ben's shoulder, just where he had put it earlier this night. Ben closed his eyes, unable to process all the conflicting thoughts that were going through his head now. John was the closest thing he ever had to a friend and he needed his presence. But Ben wasn't a man who could ever admit that, neither to John nor to himself. But now he felt his soft touch and it was getting harder and harder to deny that he wanted to feel more of John. He tried to ignore his desires, lock them away like he did so often in the past, always successfully – until now.

"Did you think I would harm myself?"

Ben nodded, unable to answer for he was suppressing tears.

"But I promised I wouldn't do that. Remember? A promise is a promise." John's hand that previously just rested on Ben's shoulder now held him tightly. "Look at me, Ben!"

Slowly, almost reluctantly, Ben turned around. This time it was him who was too embarrassed to look at the other man.

"If you hadn't burst through that door when you did... I wouldn't be here if it weren't for you, Ben. I thought there was nobody left who gave a damn about me." John said and crawled back underneath his blanket. "But you're here."

Ben felt how slowly but steadily that twisted version of himself, which he so feverously tried to hold on to, slipped through his fingers. He may have been able to convince everyone else, even himself that he didn't care about anyone. But John? John was able to look behind this façade and Ben wasn't sure he liked that. What he knew for sure though, was that he didn't want to leave; that he wanted to be as close to John as he'd allow him to be. And if it was John's wish that Ben was there with him, he'd grant him this wish.

Ben tucked himself in and faced the ceiling. "Can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"Do you believe I could ever become… better?" Ben whispered, immediately regretting he'd ask such a blunt and childish question.

John squinted, showing that he did not quite understand.

"I know I'll never be a good man, but I really try not to be as… _horrible_."

John chuckled. He gently touched Ben's chin, leading him to turn his head and look into John's eyes. "You already _are_ a better man than you used to be, Ben."

Ben's lips parted, but he was neither able to respond nor to breathe. What was the use in acting, pretending, faking when someone believed in the goodness in him? Not someone, but John.

John's hand was now wandering from Ben's chin to his cheek, softly caressing the stubble that had grown there over night. Too anxious to move, Ben laid still which was the opposite of what his heart was doing right now. He could feel the blood rushing to his cheeks and was glad the lights were out so they couldn't reveal how much he was blushing.

Before Ben could realise what was happening, John's lips were already pressed on his. Every cell of Ben's body turned to stone, he felt hot and cold all the same, it was thrilling and frightening and most of all it was overwhelming.

John shied away when Ben didn't react at all. He bit his lower lip and tried to explain himself. "Ben, I'm… sorry, I thought-"

"Don't stop!" Ben rushed forward, cupping John's face with his hands and returning the kiss. He had never kissed anyone like this and felt clumsy at doing so but he didn't allow his inexperience to turn into insecurity again. He decided it was time to no longer fight himself and to let happen what was supposed to happen.

Within a bottomless ocean of thoughts and doubts, fears and confusions there was land in sight for Ben. For the past three years he was trying to go back home and now he found it where he least expected it.

 _So go and challenge me, take the reigns and see  
Watch me squirm baby, but you are just what I need_


End file.
